Waiting and Hoping.

I don't like this kind of feeling.

Waiting. Hoping. Wanting.

I don't want to chase people. But i want you.

What should i do then?

Nothing? Just chill? Relax?

Somehow, it's too early to tell.

Perfect time will come.

But when?

Just be patient, April.

Lord, you know. But i trust your perfect timing.

And please Lord don't let me get attached to people not meant for me.

I just hate this feeling, crushing on someone.

It's okay. But don't do again what you did last time.
No more chasing people. Just no more.

Just wait. Wait on God's perfect time. Time will tell.
It will be always worth the wait. ♡

New Year, New Me 💖

Here in a milktea shop, taking a good cup of wintermelon milktea, trying to compose myself, relaxing, looking back to the things that happened for this whole year.

Few more days and it will be 2020. My supposed to be "marrying year", but it's not going to happen.

What's going to happen next year? All the previous plans in mind had vanished.

Now all i wanted is to be free. Free to love my self. Free to explore new things. Free to travel anywhere. Free to do things that I really want. Just free to be me.

I'm nervous and excited at the same time. 2020 will be a new year, celebrating a new me. Free and fearless me.

Lord, let Your will always be done in my life. I trust You for writing my life story. 💖
Thank You and I love You always Lord. 💖

My First Mountain Climb

Who would ever think i could climb the highest mountain?

I never knew my capabilities until i was there - at the top, seeing the clouds beneath the mountain. Seeing the sun so near, the beauty of God's creation. What a wonderful feeling it is!💖

At first i was hesitant. I have no experience in climbing mountains or even hiking.

But then all of a sudden, i told myself, why not try it? I told my self, "If God allows me to, then i will".💖

Then one sunday morning, the Pastor at church mentioned climbing Mt. Apo as an illustration. It was a sermon about Abraham sacrificing his son Isaac at the mountain. Then that was the sign, my 144 leader told me that it was a confirmation that God is allowing me to go.

I never make decisions on my own. I always ask God first and after God said yes, i paid my downpayment :) then a few minutes just after my downpayment was sent, an earthquake struck near Mt. Apo as the epicenter. Wow. JUST WOW. But I was not scared at all. It was just that my 144 leader told me not to continue my plan.

But i was unstoppable. I do really want to go. I made preparations. I did walking and jogging, and a little diet too. The organizer constantly monitored my training progress. 💪💪💪

He keeps me motivated every now and then. He believed that I can so I tried my best to believe in myself too.

Until that one week, then just a few days left, and a storm cancelled all their flights. Well i thought the whole trip wasn't meant to be. I was a little disappointed.

But then, i realized maybe God allowed the storm to happen so we can have a clear and beautiful view by the time we're up there.

And yes finally that day came! Papa was worried and i was almost not allowed to go. But i really wanted to go! We fought a little, but still he had to let me go.

The whole trip was worth it!💖
The climb was just so wonderful. Everyone was nice and friendly and i was just so happy. What a wonderful and unforgettable experience it is! 💖

Thank You Lord for allowing me to climb the Highest Mountain. To more mountains to climb and conquer! 💖💖💖

CTRL - Z

Me 7 years go trying to undo things...

But now, i realized that those things i tried to undo taught me great lessons in life..
So I'd rather say "no regrets".

No regrets at all...

Instead of asking "Why is this happening to me?" It is better to ask "What is this trying to teach me?"

Everything that happens to us, whether good or bad, can be a great life lesson. No more pressing the ctrl-z, just go on, move forward and learn-all-you-can. :)

I like you but i don't

I like you but i don't like you. I just don't understand.

I just love the conversations that we had. Those soundtrips and small talks and the stories you've shared. I like it when you let me know the things you do.

Those simple good morning and good night messages you've sent. Asking me how's my day, and even how i have spent my weekend, it makes me feel happy that somehow, someone is interested in what i do daily.

The time you had spent with me even if it means going to work without sleep at night.

I feel comfortable sharing my story to you. My problems, my untold emotions and even my deepest secrets. Oh, how I wish i could have someone like you to spend the rest of my life with.

Well, I am looking forward to know you more. I want to know the purpose why we two have met.

I would like to thank you, because without your encouragement, i could never be braver.

• See you in the future, in God's perfect time.

Dear God, Please Don’t Let Me Get Attached To What’s Not Mine

By Rania Naim

Dear God,

Please don’t let me get attached to what’s not meant for me anymore. Don’t let me get attached to something or someone that you plan on taking away from me.

I know your plan is unknown but until you reveal it to me, please make it easier. Don’t let me hold on to what I need to let go of. Don’t let me fight for what I need to release. Do not let me desire what will eventually destroy me. Do not let me love those who will break my heart.

Because I get attached easily and I hold on to things tightly, so please don’t let my mind want things that I can’t handle, don’t let my mind trick me into wanting things I don’t need or things that are not good for me. Please don’t let my heart miss people who don’t miss me. Don’t let my heart long for the ones who left. Don’t let my heart fall in love with someone who doesn’t want to stay.

Please don’t let me get attached to the things that keep me up at night, to people who leave me wondering and to places I’m not meant to live in. Bring me closer to what’s meant for me, let me hold on to those who are meant to stay.

But let me forget about the things that were never meant to be, give me the faith I need to believe that I’m better off without them. Give me the wisdom I need to realize that I deserve so much better and that I’ll be happier somewhere else with somebody else.

Or just give me tolerance I need right now to be okay with not getting the things I want, with not loving the ones I wanted to love and give me the patience I need to wait for your blessings and wait for your gifts.

But for now, please don’t let me get attached to what’s wrong for me. Don’t let me invest so much in things or people I’m bound to lose. Don’t let me want what’s not mine. Don’t let me build a future around what’s temporary.

Missing piece

Confused feelings. Both happy and sad but definitely free.

Sad coz someone whom i am with for 8 years is now seem like a stranger again.

Those bittersweet memories. I was deeply inloved with you back then. You knew that. You felt that. You witnessed how i fought my love for you. But it just seem like i was never the one meant for you.

We never matched. We were not the missing piece in our life puzzle that we first thought we were. 

We tried our best for us to fit that missing piece, but no matter how hard we try, we just failed.

Now, there's no more us. No more trying hard to fit it.

Let's just start over again the journey of finding that missing piece. 

R E S P O N S I B I L I T I E S

Responsibilites at work. Responsibilities at home. Responsibilities at church.

I just don't understand anymore. Or maybe, I am just overwhelmed with all these responsibilities that I have right now.

Well, as we grow older, our responsibilities grow as well. And now that I reached 30, i just felt overloaded. I just want to cry, take a rest, escape.  I want an indefinite leave for all these responsibilities, but just can't. But I don't mean quitting eh? Just leave of absence, just for a time, until all of these would sink in to me.

Maybe, God wants me to go out of my comfort zone and move on to another step of the ladder. 

Actually, though I am overwhelmed, I also feel blessed because not everyone is privileged to have these responsibilities that I have right now.

Boss-in-the-Making, Leader-in-the-Making, UnstoppableWoman-in-the-Making.

Not everyone have these life trainings that I have. I thank You Lord for all of these.

Ah, maybe, God is just shaking my nest, because He's preparing me to fly and soar high. I praise and glorify You Lord for everything. ♡